// Tibricel

You know what Smirnoff 100 is some ruff shit. But what else is there to do in a hotel room by your self when the internet is slooooooooooowwwwww. /sigh I know i have said this before but you would think I somehow got happy with life the way I haven’t been posting. So yeah honestly I really just don’t anything worth sharing or really anything I want to share. Maybe its more of the case that I really just havent had it in me.

I have been very blaa as of late, not really down and out just kind of meh with everything. Well thats not really true, I guess i have been kind of putting my self in a trance so I can keep working. I like my job, but I realize that I really don’t like my job, I like that my job pays well and expendable income is one thing I really need.

I have some money put away for a rainy day, not enough for everything I’ll need over the next few years. Have money put away for retirement, something I would like to do one day. So can’t really use that money, so I have to save some money for transitioning. So whats so bad about my job? Well its not a job that a female would really want to do, no I’m not being sexist I’m just being real. Let alone a trans-female, its just not something I can do. 

The hardest part for me as of now is not the job but the people I work with. There not bad people by any means, there just guys. Men that are men, and I have to kinda play along with them. What I mean by this is for example when the day is done and work over myself as well as the team that is working will more than likely go out to eat dinner. The guys, because were all “guys” at the table and there will be comments about the girls around.

I go out of my way to have tunnel vision and try not to look at the girls when I’m out and about because well its really hard to look at something that you can never be. So its just easier to keep my head down, figuratively, and eat and be done with it so I can get back to the hotel room be left to my own devises and cry if I have the energy.

Its hard enough to know you will have to miss out on a lot of things in your life, its even harder when the things you will miss out on are through in your face. 

Happiness getting there, its a hard thing, just got to stay positive. I mean really things are going ok I guess, got good friends, the family members that know whats happening are happy for me. I feel better, I think Im repeating my self. /sign

I guess Im just frustrated, I feel like I should be doing more but I just am not sure as to what. Yes yes I can read, I can watch youtube videos etc, and I have but I just can wrap my head around some things. I just stare at some of those things like a cow looks at an on coming train.

Oh just a year is all I have to do then I can find something else to do, what I have no idea. Find another job? Go back to school? Start my own business? I like tha last option, and me and some friends are thinking about what we might be able to do to start our own business. Just not really sure 100% as to what were going to do.

Maybe start a Pay to Play guild in WoW or Star Wars: The Old Republic. Just ideas, but really I need something I can enjoy and hell doing things with my friends, just hanging out seems like things are better. So yeah if we could start something up hell yeah I could get behind that.

ok thats enough drink for  tonight. This Best Western is AWESOME, my tub has a Jacuzzi!! OMG Its great. I should talk to my dad at some point but I don’t think I have it in me. Why dos there have to be so much shit with all this,I mean really whats wrong with doiunbg what makes you happy? Thats all I wawnt I want to wake up once in teh moring and not thing MotherFucker, the MF being becouse I woke up.

I want to kill all the poeple on this comersial for this thing called trendy top. slim littel cute little fuck starts, OH they’ll double the offer. FUCK YOU TRENDY TO>

You know I better stop here this is goin in a bad direction fuck I need to quite this shit.

Night world. My all your dreams  xome true all it takes is the right pills, and about 30k+ (guesstamation)

-Alex